A Moment's Hesitation
by Remedi
Summary: slight AU, spoilers, onesided LightMatsuda:: Matsuda's love for Light is matched only by his hate for Kira. The situation at hand would make anyone in his position a little apprehensive.


**Disclaimer: **I don't own Death Note or any of the characters. There are end of series spoilers beyond this point so read at your own risk. :)

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"Let's see you talk your way out of this one."

The white haired detective, Near, stared balefully at Light Yagami from his position on the cold cement floor of the Yellowbox Warehouse. Near had just proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that Light was Kira, the mass murderer of criminals that had been at large for six long years. Near's eyes weren't the only ones on Light. Tota Matsuda was still cowering on his knees from when he thought he would be killed by Kira. Now, it was the pain caused by the realization that Light, a man whom he'd considered a close friend, was the Kira they'd been after for years that kept him immobilized. He wasn't the only one. Everyone in the warehouse was looking at Light with some combination of shock, resentment and disgust. That is, everyone aside from the handcuffed lawyer, Teru Mikami. His face was filled with terror and, in spite of Light's prior claims that he'd never met the man in his life, a stubborn spark of admiration still lit up his eyes. Mikami had been apprehended by Near's group, the SPK, just moments earlier for carrying out Kira's killings.

To everyone's surprise, Light didn't rise to Near's challenge. Instead, he growled through clenched teeth and his face distorted into an angry snarl, glaring daggers at Near. Near didn't so much as flinch.

The fury in Light's face began to melt away as he continued to stare, unblinking, at the detective. His eyes became wider and wider until his final thread of sanity just snapped. He screamed and fell to the ground, clutching the sides of his head like he was suffering a migraine. His entire being trembled violently and he remained in that position for several long seconds. No one dared to go near him when he was that unstable, so they observed in stunned silence. The Japanese task force were especially disturbed. They'd known Light for years and had never seen this side of him before.

"Ha..." Light began shaking even more, but now he was shaking with laughter. "Ha ha ha... _hahahaha!_" He suddenly shot up into a kneeling position, laughing like a man possessed. There was a wild look in his eyes and the entire task force looked on in disbelief. This... couldn't be the Light they'd worked with. Light was calm, cool and collected, often the most level headed of the bunch. The man they saw before them was nothing short of insane.

_Light... _Matsuda's horrified expression was frozen on his face.He didn't want to believe what he was seeing. Surely this was just some kind of sick nightmare.

"That's right." Light rose unsteadily to his feet and shot them all a twisted smile. "_I am Kira._"

_No..._

Aside from Near smirking, no one moved. From the evidence the SPK had acquired, they'd all known the truth before Light confessed, but to actually hear the words come out of his mouth...

Matsuda's lips formed the word 'why', but no sound came out. Light went on to speak very elaborately, making some kind of self righteous speech as though a few fancy words and charismatic gestures could change what he did. Matsuda was hearing him, but he wasn't listening to the words. What did they matter now?

Light continued to talk. Near interjected to say what could be summed up with a simple, "I'm not convinced."

_Light can't be Kira! _Matsuda tried to convince himself. _This... this is just another one of his brilliant plans... he... he... he wants to lure the real Kira out by pretending to be him. Yeah, that sounds like Light! _

He was _really_ grasping at straws.

His chest felt tight and the room seemed to be spinning. Nothing was real. This was a dream, a hallucination caused by a drug someone had slipped into his drink, _anything_ but reality. When he woke up, he would find himself at headquarters, tucked into bed at some cheap hotel, in the hospital, _anywhere_ but here. Then, he and his fellow task force members, _including _Light, would resume the Kira case like nothing had ever happened... and nothing _had_ happened, because this wasn't real.

Matsuda's delusions were violently shattered by a frantic shout. _"He's got a note hidden on him!"_

_**NO!**_

A haze of denial and rage clouded Matsuda's mind as he lifted his gun, clutching it so tightly that it left angry red marks on the palm of his hand. Furiously gritting his teeth, he glared at _Kira_--not Light, he could never hurt Light--and squeezed the trigger. The other man lost his balance and stumbled, clutching his bleeding hand. He glowered at Matsuda before exploding into a fit of rage. "Who do you think you're shooting, Matsuda!?" He seethed. "Damn you! If you're going to shoot someone, shoot the others!" Matsuda remained silent and unsteadily rose to his feet, holding his gun in front of him. His finger rested on the trigger and he was ready to fire another shot if the need arose.

"Matsuda!" Light continued his desperate appeal. "I thought you were the only person who understood me. Kira is righteous! Kira is _needed_!" Numb, Matsuda didn't move. Tears pooled in his eyes and streamed down his flushed cheeks. "Shoot!" Light instructed. "Shoot Near! Shoot the SPK members, Aizawa and the others, not me, you idiot!"

Matsuda swallowed. When he finally found his voice to answer, it came out strangled and shaky. "Wh-what was it all for?" he asked. "The Chie--no, Deputy Director Yagami..." Matsuda's entire frame shook as he recalled the painful day that they'd lost the Deputy Director. He'd risked his life for the Kira case, just as he'd vowed he would years ago, and it turned out to be a risk he shouldn't have taken. Never had he imagined that Kira had been right beside him the entire time. At least he'd died believing that Light was not Kira. His blissful oblivion made the situation at hand all the more harsh. The fact that Light would betray his family and that the betrayal would lead to his father's death was too much. "...What did your father die for?" Matsuda's dark eyes bore into Light's. This question was not rhetorical.

"Dad?" Light questioned, narrowing his eyes. "Are you talking about Soichiro Yagami?"

Matsuda didn't answer. Light knew damn well who he was talking about.

"That's right, Matsuda."

Matsuda stared at Light. He hadn't been expecting that.

"Overly earnest people with a strong sense of justice like him always end up the loser." Light stared at him imploringly. "Do you want a world where people like him are always made fools of!?"

Matsuda seriously considered pulling the trigger again, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. He hated Kira and he loved Light. Why couldn't his bullets destroy Kira and save the Light Yagami he once knew? But was Soichiro made a fool of? He took a moment to process what he'd been told. He'd certainly had a point about good people always losing. Back when the case had began, L had told them all that the good guys always win. Over the years, Matsuda had come to realize how untrue that was. He'd always wondered whether or not Kira was truly beneficial... but... no. He closed his eyes in silent resolve. Kira had taken everyone away--Ukita, L, Soichiro, even Light...

Suddenly, he heard Aizawa's voice. It was the first time he'd been aware that he and Light were not alone in this warehouse since the revelation that Light was Kira. "He's using his blood!"

Matsuda's eyes flew open and he began to pull the trigger, but it was too late. "I've won." Light smirked. "Good bye, Near. Or, should I say _Nate River_?" Triumphantly, he revealed the name written on the piece of paper, the surname scrawled messily in blood.

For the first time since Matsuda had seen him, Near's face betrayed some kind of emotion--a combination of shock and anger. Even though he knew it wasn't, he felt it was directed toward him. He should have shot again... then Near would have been saved.

But would saving Near be the right thing to do? Crime would escalate again and nothing would change. Death would continue, only this time it would be the innocent and the weak that would die.

_But what Kira does is wrong too. He doesn't just kill criminals-- _Matsuda cast a glance at Near, who suddenly dropped, clutching his chest in pain. He quickly looked away. _He kills anyone who dares to stand in his way. This isn't about a peaceful world anymore... _he stared hard at Light, who looked so smug it made him sick. _It was about beating Near... no, beating L._

"Get the notebook!" yelled Aizawa. There was no time for mourning; this was still a highly dangerous situation. There was a mad dash to grab the notebook Near had revealed to be the real one. Matsuda stayed rooted where he was. His brain urged him to move, but his body wouldn't cooperate.

Surprisingly, it was Mikami who was victorious. He'd been the closest to the spot where the notebook lay on the floor and he threw his body on top of it. His eyes were insane, shining with desperate devotion as if trying to atone for his earlier failure. He looked around as though daring anyone but Light to try and make him move.

Aizawa, Mogi, Ide and the members of the SPK all started to hurry toward him, but in less than a minute, Aizawa had dropped to the ground, which startled them all.

_No... _Fresh tears fell down Matsuda's face. _Light, this isn't like you!_

_But it _is_ like Kira._

Light, flinging the scrap of paper with _Nate River _on one side and _Shuichi Aizawa _in blood on the other, wasted little time in stripping the dead officer of his suit jacket and discovering the notebook strapped beneath it.

"Yagami has a notebook!" Rester exclaimed. "We'll cover Mikami--Ide, Mogi, get the notebook away from him!"

Light's hand was still bleeding from the bullet wound and this was the only situation he could use that to his advantage in. His bloody finger scrawled something in the notebook.

"NO!" Matsuda's own voice startled him. He fired another shot at Light. "Stop it!" He was shaking too much to aim and the bullet whizzed straight by Light. Light ignored him and continued to write. It wasn't long before Ide and Mogi had fallen just inches away from their target.

"Commander Rester...!" Gevanni panicked. "What should we--?" Suddenly, his face froze and he fell, convulsed and then lay still.

"Near shouldn't have shown us the page in the notebook that Mikami wrote your names on," Light said, not even looking up from the notebook. "If he hadn't been so assured of his victory, you guys may have had a chance. His arrogance cost you all."

"What the--!"

It wasn't long before Rester and Lidner met the same fate as Gevanni.

Matsuda looked around frantically, his hand involuntarily loosening around his gun. The weapon dropped to the floor with a hollow thud. This was his fault; had he not hesitated earlier, he would have prevented Near's name from being written and his friends and the SPK would all still be alive right now. He screwed his eyes shut, shaking with silent sobs. His death was inevitable and there was nothing he could do but sit and wait.

Suddenly, he felt something warm around him. Was this the end...? He hesitantly opened one eye and saw that Light was embracing him.

"I'm sorry it had to happen this way, but those who oppose Kira oppose justice," Light murmured. "Matsuda... I kept you alive because I know you're still on the fence. I'm going to show you what a peaceful world is like--then, I'm sure you'll be able to make up your mind." Matsuda lie helplessly in Light's arms. Thousands of conflicting thoughts were running through his head, making him feel a little crazy.

_Maybe this is how it has to be._

_But all my friends are...!_

_They were against Kira... maybe they deserved to be punished._

_Kira is wrong._

_Kira might be what this world needs._

_Kira is evil!_

_But Light isn't..._

"Matsuda?"

Matsuda looked at Light stupidly.

"You aren't like them. You're innocent, you understand Kira... you understand the need for justice. You're like us."

Light and Mikami were the only other people left alive.

Light smiled a soft smile, something Matsuda hadn't seen from him in a very long time. "Help us make this world perfect."

But when Matsuda helplessly hung his head, surrendering to Light not by choice but because his mind was fossilized around the fact that he had to, that soft smile disappeared and was replaced by a deranged smirk.

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End file.
